Tuesday, January 31

Second Thoughts

And now I'm starting to have second thoughts about putting Toby down. Should I have done that? Could he have lasted until Friday? Would he have gotten better?
I think the answer is "yes," "not without undo pain," and, "Not much," respectively.
It just hurts when the final decision is placed on you, and you know the right choice...but you have to keep thinking about it. Later, you think about what would have happened if you would have chosen differently. I think I made the right decision.
It's also hard because I know that when I go home this weekend I'm going to go through the door and I won't be able to say, "Here, kitty, kitty," and there won't be this little orange cat with his little white and orange face running up to me and purring because he's so happy that I'm home. Those are really the thoughts that hurt me. All the things I won't be able to do with him anymore. I didn't even get to hold him...to REALLY say goodbye.
I'm glad I got to hear his little voice over the phone though. He...he just kinda weakly meowed at me. Dad said he tried to look for me when I talked to him...that's what makes me wonder. Would he have gotten better if I had come home? But I couldn't have come home right then. I can't go back home. I'm in college now. My cat...was more important to me than my education...but I put the logical priorities ahead of the emotional ones. I guess that's what makes people "adults" or "mature." They're those things when they can make the right decision over the decision that they WANT to make. When they choose the best decision for the situation over the one that would make them feel the best.
I can't just drop out of college...but if I could have....I really would have. If I could have told the college, "Save my stuff for me. My cat is dying. I have to go home. He's one my best friends," they would have been like, "He's a cat." But...if it were my Dad or my brother or something...they STILL may not have given me much time off. The world...people...they're relentless.
If I could write down how I really felt right now, you would say that I'm being too dramatic. But...I'm not. I loved that cat. He was a good friend. I knew him well. He knew me. When I would cry he would come find me and try to make me feel better. When I was upset he would find me. When I was happy, he would purr. He was happy. When I would go to sleep he would be there, and he would be there again when I awoke. I took care of him. He took care of me. I talked to him...and in a way...he talked to me. He wasn't just a cat. I loved him.



At 9:04 PM, Blogger Willow said...

We all loved him, but none so much as you. I'm sorry he's gone, that you didn't get to say a proper goodbye to your best feline friend. May his little feline soul always watch over you, and the thoughts of the good times with him comfort you at least a little when you miss him so. He loved you as much as you loved him. Hope your doing okay. Later.


At 8:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This Hookah is for you.



PS: Feel better champ, he's looking down on you from kitty heaven.

At 12:45 PM, Blogger Juaini Juliet Jamaludin said...

I used to have hamsters. And all my hamsters died because of my sister's kitty. Though I don't like cat very much, but still, I can feel your sadness. Cat is a good friend actually. He can understands us. And I feel sorry for your lost.


Post a Comment

<< Home