Monday, January 23

The Last Day

This is going to be the last day that I mess up. I mean that. Today is the last day. I'm not going to put anything ahead of my school work. Nothing. Of course, I say that, but in an know...that would be a dumb idea to completely ignore everything else, but I'm not gonna fuck around anymore. Because that's basically what I've been doing these past two weeks of school...fucking around. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being lazy and irresponsible. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of dwelling, of my sad thoughts. So, I'm going to bleed all of them onto this blog right now, then I'm going to go back to sleep. And when I wake up, I'll be renewed, like a phoenix.
Today I am both so sad and so happy. I am sad because I feel like I've just wasted the past two weeks of my life. I am sad because I missed my class this morning...again. I'm sad because I won't be able to make excuses for myself anymore. I'm sad because I know this means I'll have to schedule my social time instead of just going all spontaneous. Unfortunately, the world that I have to live in, my school, my future job...they don't work spontaneously...they're scheduled and structured. All the things that I'm not anymore. So, now I have to work twice as hard to recall how to be that way. I haven't been that way for so long that I feel like I may have forgotten.
I lay awake at night thinking about my body. How I haven't had my period in three months. Maybe the reason for that is because my own body thinks I'm dead. I may as well have been for these past two weeks. Maybe I may as well have been for these past three's such a waste. I don't know whether to be worried about it or not because I've skipped like this before. So, now I'm just patiently waiting for my body to remember that I'm still alive. I'm not dead. I'm not sleeping. I keep telling it to wake up. Maybe it's forgotten who I am. I know I have.
Lately here I've just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. I'm so tired. I feel like I've used up all of my brain power...all of me...I feel all gone. I want to work. I want to work hard, but I can't get myself to do it. I should stop making excuses for myself. Excuses like, "I'm too tired," or ,"I'm busy with something else," or the usual, "I just don't want to." I think I'll do that.
The images in my head are all death and murder. I don't want them to go away yet. Sometimes I dwell on those things...and if I dwell on them too long I become like this. Like a walking zombie. A lifeless shell of who I once was. A real ghost. I feel like that. A ghost. I keep looking for something, and I don't know what it is, but I can't find it. All the signs point to happiness, but I'm not sure how to get there anymore. I seem to have misplaced my compass. I want someone to help me, but I won't accept anyone else's help. This is something I have to do on my own. If I can't climb back out of my yearly dark hole by myself this time, then there won't be a next time I imagine. This happens every year. I get desperate and I push everyone as far away as I can. I don't know why. Maybe it's the winter. Winter is rather lonely.
I am happy today.
Because today I have resolved myself to leave behind these feelings and delusions of death and dust.
Because I have decided to trudge on over the embattlements in my mind, rope or not.
Because I have to start bleeding
I have to start feeling
I have to start realizing again.

I am happy today.

My favorite song right now is called "Fix You." It's by Cold Play. The first time I heard it, it made me want to cry. I wished that someone would sing that song to me and know just how much it meant...know just how much it was worth, know exactly how every single lyric made me feel. Alas, I don't think there is another person on the planet who could know EXACTLY the burning, painful extacy that song gives me. It makes me remember that I'm alive. I'd post the lyrics...but that would be injustice to the melody. Injustice to the pure joy that each strum of the guitar causes the air to vibrate with. Injustice to the pang of pain in my heart each time my eardrums reverberate to the beat....the bass drum...the toms...the snare. The piano sings to me. The bass holds nothing back. The voices...the lyrics...they're mine. They're me. I am them.

I am happy today.


At 10:42 AM, Blogger Willow said...

I am happy you are happy. Good luck with your new resolve to get things done. I'll stop calling as much if it distracts you. Iyanni, very much, and if you need my help or want to talk, just text me or send me an email, or hell, call me and I'll call you on your dorm phone! ^_^. ::huggles:: And btw, cold-play rocks! Woot! Also...go to the tanning bed, that always makes you feel better in the winter. ^_^_^_^_^. Talk to you soon, I hope!

At 7:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"And we will all float on..."


At 10:47 PM, Blogger SilverRevealed said...

That song makes me happy, too.

At 7:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Modest Mouse is always a win.

Same with the Pixies and Tool.


At 9:58 PM, Blogger SilverRevealed said...

Yup yup!


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