Thursday, February 10


Picture this:
It's about thirty degrees outside, not counting the huge windchill and the few snowflakes that are falling, and I'm out there walking with my sweatshirt, sweatpants, hat, gloves, and scarf on. I've got my walkman Atrac3plus MP3 player, so I don't really mind the cold. I start walking, and I just decide not to stop. I walked probably about three miles, according to Dad, but it felt like longer than that. I just had so much in my head I thought that if I walked far enough and long enough I would either pass out and die in the cold or my thoughts would go away. Well, I didn't pass out and die in the cold, and my thoughts didn't really go away, but I don't care anymore.
Things have gotten to the point where the first CD I put in was Vertical Horizon, so I could hear that song that says, "He is everything you want, he is everything you need, he is everything inside of you that you wish you could be. He says all the right things at exactly the right time, but he means nothing to you and you don't know why." There were a bunch of songs on there that reminded my of my mom, too. That's why I haven't listened to that CD since she died, but I guess I just missed her and needed to hear it.
I've gotta say that I honestly went for that walk because I feel very alone. I attribute some of that to this being that time of the month....I blame that an awful lot, but it's true. Anyway...
I feel alone. I walk in the hallway with hundreds of people and I feel alone. I always feel so far away from people. I don't really know what I'm saying anymore. I guess I feel like no one understands me. Ashley told me that no one understands me because I won't give them the chance. I told her that I don't want to give them the chance. She told me that I would feel alone if I didn't give them the chance, and things just went in circles from there. That was a while back though. I have another thing to complain about while I'm here.
College planning has the be THE biggest pain in my ass I have ever experienced. It's getting to the point where I don't even care anymore. I don't know what I want. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm going to college. I feel like I'm moving ahead just to move ahead, and I don't like it. Why am I doing all this? Why do I care? I want to care because I care, not because someone else cares, but I don't know why or how to care. I'm working off of apathy here, and it's not helping.

I went on a walk to clear my head
Hoping that soon it would make me dead
Or at least cause me pain in a physical way
So my state-of-mind wouldn't feel this dismay.

But everything is still closing in on me
And keeping my soul from being free
The shakles are tight and you'll never know
The freedom I beg for while walking in snow.

The cold pierced my legs and chilled my face
I tried to keep going, tried to keep pace
The longer I walked the shorter my stride
But three miles long left me with little pride.

I went for a walk to clear my head
Hoping that soon it would make me dead
But all it did was make me tire
I guess I'm glad I didn't expire.



At 12:40 PM, Blogger Willow said...

You know...sometimes I wish I could walk like that. Walk until theres nothing left, no where else to go...Maybe into the clouds and off into space. ^_~.

At 7:54 PM, Blogger cyric said...

I saw the joker and I pitied his face
I cried wolf for the first time and it felt good
I cried wolf and I was misunderstood


Jeff's Song "Anything" from Talent Show.

Anyway... We need to hang out... or you need to update.

At 11:26 AM, Blogger SilverRevealed said...

I know, man. I know.


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