Thursday, November 18

The Course of Darkness

Note* Only innitials are used for names, except for four.

Many a time I have said, " I hate my life." 4th period is a droll, a hell I would prefer not to have to live through. I don't fit in. I hate lunch former favorite time of day. I hate people. R.F. has abandonded me for Merideth & her little group of ranting, spoonish people. I'd call them fools, but they're not fools. That would just be my anger speaking.
So, the friend is abandoned for girlfriend. Maybe he feels the same way and is just returning the favor.
A.N. has taken my palce at the Right Hand of K.S., but now that I look at them I don't think I want to be there anyway. They have an aire of haughtiness, the "I'm better than everyone" pose. I hope I was never like that. I may be sheltered, but I love someone who lives "in the ghetto," tries to stay away from all the drugs, and barely has enough money to survive. K.S. doesn't know (or from my observations even care) about that world, and my knowledge of it drives me further from her because I don't want her to have to know about it. She can stay her pure, ignorant, blissful self. I'm too corrupted by the truth to sit and talk. I'd destroy her. Best just to sit as far back in the corner as possible in my shadows to watch my little flower grow.
Heh...she'll never know about all that darkness, I hope. And A.N. is like my sister...trying to be the people around her rather than herself. I couldn't do that. That's why I'm away (from them). I listen to their ignorant prattle and debate whether I should say something or not. I decide not to crush their delicate little minds. How nice of me...
Not that I'm "holier than thou," I just write what I see. K.D. is still with me, but I rarely get to see her. J.R. & I had a falling out, but we're patching up our friendship. A.C. is unable to be communicated with; she's always busy. Bob is becoming a closer friend. He'll listen to my bitching. Addy is there, but I don't know her all that well yet. Sometimes I feel as I grow closer to A.L., I grow further from everyone else, and even she's trading me out for Tom. I'm not patient enough to deal with Tom-ass. He's worse than me when it comes to communication. I need to keep more in touch with The Great Alejandro and Neithan. I miss Neithan. At least he's been as deep in the clutches of darkness as I.


At 4:45 PM, Blogger Some1 said...

Well, I won't lie and say that I didn't feel abandoned for a long time, it seemed that the only time we spent together was 25ish minutes at lunch and anytime I wanted to do something, you were busy or such. I felt changed like I was just trying to interfere most of the time. It seemed as though you were my only friend, I didn't go to anyone elses house, call anyone else- and if I tried, they acted like I was interupting them from something important. So I went to look for someone that I could be with too, so I found a group of people that talked to me as a friend. I don't exactly know what spoonish means, but so far we only have one ranter and that's also because of me, so much so I'm almost half tempted to leave the entire group and just avoid them all. I miss it when I would see you and think that maybe there was a chance for us, and I'm reminded of it constantly. Sorry that I seemingly abandonded you, but I thought about it for a long time, whether or not to date her, how it would affect you, whether or not to go and hang out with her during lunch, how it would affect you. I was going to discuss it with you one day a few weeks ago, but it was canceled or something before I got to your house, so I decided on my own.
You said that I was your best friend once, and I felt the same, but then you said there were more than one bestfriends in your life, but you were my one.
So, I hope you'll forgive me, and I may cancel going to the Birthday party so we can hang out, but before I do, I want to know that I'll be able to come there.
I'll see you at lunch on Monday,
I can only offer you solice that you have someone to talk to about the other matters.
(Strak, Some1, Richard)

At 5:32 PM, Blogger cyric said...

The way you write and word things is so beautifully done I thought I was reading a novel.

Ah, ze darkness. I suppose I have grown apart from you over the course of the summer. I started being around people a lot older than I. Wiser people that new more about life and judgement, more about the truth behind things, people that could answer my multitude of questions better than people my own age. But that was of course no excuse to misuse and disregard our friendship.

I can name many of the Initialed people in there. Nearly all of them. I suppose I do know far too many people.

As for our friendship, it was a mistake of mine to just forget about you in a way. There really was no excuse, but I was too afraid of how I'd feel had I been near you. I know you have enough to worry about, and you know that I forgive you, but I felt that if I had been around you and I didn't know the absolute "truth" of what happened between us... that it would only add to my confusion and my hollowness. That darkness you speak of that you have, I know there is nothing that I have that's anything like that. Because you are unique to yourself, and no one else. But I think that we all have our own darkness in a way, Mine... seems to be leaving as I mature and learn more about the world and the people that inhabit it. I have learned not to hate everyone that I come in contact with. I have learned, even though I still get the feeling of wanting to on occassion, to not harm myself.

I'm not sure that I'll ever be rid of this darkness that shrouds within me. I'm not sure I really want to be. It's a part of me and I want everything that belongs to myself, and that is who I am. I do however, want to control it so that I don't become consumed in its shadow.

Hmm... I'm not sure why I said all of this... not sure it really helped you at all with anything. I suppose I just felt like writing... .... .... a lot.

No matter how far apart we seem to drift though, I'll always be a friend to you. I suppose I just need time to figure myself out... and what I want out of life, and have many of my intrigues and questions finally answered.

~Cyric, The Prince of Lies~

At 7:43 PM, Blogger SilverRevealed said...

For R.F.,
First of all, thank you for taking the time to post. Second, thanks for coming to the site in the first place to see how I was feeling. I forgive you, but I hope you can forgive me for just being so selfish. I AM a selfish person, you know. Sorry, can't help it. Anyway, it wasn't the fact that you sat with Meredith during lunch so much as the fact that you didn't tell me before hand. And you can date her...that won't bother me, but I don't want you to feel like it hurts my feelings. I like to know what's going on with you because you're my friend, and if you don't tell me then I feel left out. Thus, our current situation. Well, if there's anything else you need to talk about, I'm here.

At 7:46 PM, Blogger SilverRevealed said...

For Cyric,
Thank you for coming to my site in the first place, man. It's pretty important to me that you know how I am feeling, and there are a lot of things that I don't like to say in person, or I can't find the words for until I write them down. I'm sorry for not keeping in touch, too. I hope we can remain friends, and I know you forgive me. I thank you for that. Also, thanks for commenting on my writing. I work hard on it, believe it or not. If you have any other comments or need to talk, you know how to reach me.


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