Wednesday, October 4

In My Sleep, Dreams

I have had some things rush a fury through my veins,
Rush a fury through my heart.
But every time I think about it,
Every time I turn it on end,
It comes back out fury in my brain.

All I have is me.
There was once someone there.
But all I have is me now,
And even my shadow abandons my body in the darkness.

I can't think.
I can't speak.
There are too many voices in my head
Voices screaming, "Idiot."
Voices screaming, "You're acting stupid, I hate you, you're stupid, stop it, go away, make it stop..."
Screaming like souls being torn in The Inferno.

They multiply and spread.
When I awaken they're not there,
But as the day grows longer they become louder,
Slithering from the back of my mind into my skin.
Wasting me.

If I am as useless as this to myself,
I will be of no use to you.
Drop me now.

Monday, May 1

I don't want it anymore

I don't know what it is that I'm feeling now. Perhaps it is the distant pain of a former life, or the distant pain of a former ghost. Whatever it is, it is quite the pain. I look outisde and the gray clouds cover the sky. It smells like rain and cold, but there is no rain. There is a chilly breeze, something that hasn't been felt in days. I don't think I've been outside in three days. I've only gone out of this room to go get food today, and to take a shower earlier this morning. I don't feel like going anywhere. I could just lie in the room forever as if it were a forgotten prison. I don't know what I want anymore, but whatever it was, I'm not sure I want it.

Tuesday, March 28

All of My Stuff

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Most of my stuff has been posted on Xanga. My xanga is I think that's it anyway. Heh, heh. Well, I just finished a good interview. I'm pretty much caught up on all the things I have to do. I just need to do my laundry, call my doctor, umm....yeah....Chinese homework. That shit is killing me. It needs to DIE!!! RAWR!! Eh, Peace out!


Friday, February 24

Where I Belong

I've decided that I think I belong in the Desert. I'm facinated by it. I at least want to visit it. A lot of my favorite characters in Manga/Anime came from the desert. Raven from Zoids:CC is pretty much my absolute favorite...and he spent most of his time in the desert. Gaara---sand---desert. Speaks for itself. I feel it pulling me sometimes. I've never even been to a desert. I know it's supposed to be really, really hot, sandy, windy. Most people don't like it. But I want to go there. To a desert, to a desert canyon, I want to find out who I am. I guess I've always felt like I don't know, but that doesn't stop me from day to day, I don't think.
I'm not sorry that I do what I do. I want to live my life with no regrets, which is probably one reason I look up to my facebook friend Kheir. That's how he wants to live, too. I don't want to regret anything. I can't say that I do don't. I've given it all long thought, and the only thing I regret is losing my mother so early. And I don't have much regret for that because it wan't my fault. I used to regret not telling her that I didn't want her to go. I still remember when she walked out the door, I had the feeling that she wasn't coming back. I ignored it, shrugged it off, but I was right. She never walked back through my back door again. I still remember the way the light hit the golden door handle. It reflected the afternoon sunlight. The day was bright, and the sun shone through the windows like a white light, pure. I wish I could still see her a lot. She was what really kept me in line, and without her I wander aimlessly sometimes. I look in the mirror sometimes and hate myself because I can see her looking back at me. My voice is so close to hers. I guess it's a nice reminder for my dad, because he says it's a good thing. I wonder...if she could do it over again...would she live her life like I live mine?
My ultimate goal is happiness. My ultimate truth is Entropy. I firmly believe in loving everyone, even people you can't stand. I don't condone violence, but I love violent video games and movies. I've struggled to get here, and I still feel so far away, so far behind...there is only one way to go.

Sunday, February 5

Here's the Deal

Okay, gang. Here's the deal. I'm at home now. I came home for the weekend to bury my cat. And I did just that. ANd it sucked hardcore. Me and Dad dug the grave. I could feel his cold, little body under this towl that we had him in. We put the towel in a plastic bag, then put the plastic bag in a cardboard box. That way nothing will bother his grave. I miss Toby aleardy. His former owner was here for the burial as well. In the world of football, GO STEELERS!


Tuesday, January 31

Second Thoughts

And now I'm starting to have second thoughts about putting Toby down. Should I have done that? Could he have lasted until Friday? Would he have gotten better?
I think the answer is "yes," "not without undo pain," and, "Not much," respectively.
It just hurts when the final decision is placed on you, and you know the right choice...but you have to keep thinking about it. Later, you think about what would have happened if you would have chosen differently. I think I made the right decision.
It's also hard because I know that when I go home this weekend I'm going to go through the door and I won't be able to say, "Here, kitty, kitty," and there won't be this little orange cat with his little white and orange face running up to me and purring because he's so happy that I'm home. Those are really the thoughts that hurt me. All the things I won't be able to do with him anymore. I didn't even get to hold REALLY say goodbye.
I'm glad I got to hear his little voice over the phone though. He...he just kinda weakly meowed at me. Dad said he tried to look for me when I talked to him...that's what makes me wonder. Would he have gotten better if I had come home? But I couldn't have come home right then. I can't go back home. I'm in college now. My cat...was more important to me than my education...but I put the logical priorities ahead of the emotional ones. I guess that's what makes people "adults" or "mature." They're those things when they can make the right decision over the decision that they WANT to make. When they choose the best decision for the situation over the one that would make them feel the best.
I can't just drop out of college...but if I could have....I really would have. If I could have told the college, "Save my stuff for me. My cat is dying. I have to go home. He's one my best friends," they would have been like, "He's a cat." But...if it were my Dad or my brother or something...they STILL may not have given me much time off. The world...people...they're relentless.
If I could write down how I really felt right now, you would say that I'm being too dramatic. But...I'm not. I loved that cat. He was a good friend. I knew him well. He knew me. When I would cry he would come find me and try to make me feel better. When I was upset he would find me. When I was happy, he would purr. He was happy. When I would go to sleep he would be there, and he would be there again when I awoke. I took care of him. He took care of me. I talked to him...and in a way...he talked to me. He wasn't just a cat. I loved him.


Monday, January 30

Kingdom Come



Steal my heart
And hold my tongue
I feel my time
My time has come
Let me in
Unlock the door
I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turnin'
The drummer begins to drum
I don't which way I'm goin'
I don't know which way I've come

Hold my head
Inside your hands
I need someone
Who understands
I need someone
Someone who hears
For you I've waited all these years

For I'd wait
'til Kingdom come
Until my day
My day is done
But say you'll come
And set me free
Just say you'll wait
You'll wait for me

In your tears
And in your blood
In your fire
And in your flood
I hear you laugh
I heard you sing
I wouldn't change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turnin'
The drummers begin to drum
I don't know which way I'm goin'
I don't know what I've become

For you I'd wait
'til Kingdom come
Until my days
My days are done
Say you'll come
And set me free
Just say you'll wait
You'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait
You'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait
You'll wait for me